Last week Siddhu had an ankle sprain after a fall in the play area. Even though his X-ray were normal with no dislocations or cracks, we booked an appointment with an orthopedic to ensure whether the boy would be able to Dance for his annual day function at school. As Anoop wasn’t available at that particular time, I had to take Sivaa also with us. From the parking to the op block, when I carried Siddhu, all those scary memories of baby siddhu on one hand and little Sivaa on another flashed through my mind.
I didn’t want to get lost in that to which I started talking to my children. We three got seated in front of the doctor s room as we continued our jabbering about irrelevant topics. Sivaa was anxious and overwhelmed that he was non stop fidgeting, shaking and rocking in his chair. I didn’t bother to interfere as I understood that it’s his anxiety seeing a different doc(not a paediatrician) that too in a different place.
After a while I saw two young men’s staring and pointing at Sivaa and was continuously mocking and laughing at him as though they were watching a comic show. But I don’t know why? I didn’t have the energy to react or respond to them. I tried to ignore.. but soon i started feeling so humiliated that I asked Sivaa to get up from that place as I took him for a walk. I told Siddhu to wait until we come. I left the X- ray prints with Siddhu. I tried to explain to Sivaa what was happening and that it would get over in a couple of time.
As we walked back to the place, I couldn’t see Siddhu on his seat. I panicked and ran to the place pulling Sivaas hand. Siddhu was no were around. I looked at the old lady who sat next to Siddhu, she gestured towards the doc’s room. I pushed upon the door without knocking as I saw my little boy explaining everything to his doctor even showing the X ray that he had. The nurse showed a disappointing face on to me for my irresponsible attitude towards child. I could feel the tears running down my cheeks as no body explained anything to me. Rather I failed to explain my part…… Siddhu happily said; I can dance Amma… I hugged and kissed him saying I’m proud of you dear…
As we moved on, the nurse came closer to me and whispered… Take good care of your children. I felt lost at that moment. I was thinking like I’m trying hard…but…Oh God..Am I not a good mother? Am I an irresponsible mother?
As I came back home I realized that I had tons work to finish with zero energy. I even didn’t tell Anoop feeling guilty myself for bad parenting. Next day I realized that this is how life is and how it would be going forward. Then why did I write this? Just to pen down that the colours you see in someone’s life are sometimes the one they have created for a shorter period of time. Life can be sometimes colour less too.
Journey through the life of autism.
Life of siblings
Life of autism
Preetha Anoop Menon